Thursday, September 24, 2009

Waiting...

So, is this it? Is this all there is? You grow up in a loving family, you go to school, you graduate, you have friends, you move make new friends, you grow up, find a job, have a few boyfriends, fall in love, it doesn't work out, try again, have a few kids, go to work, and then more work, you lose your family as you know it, and now you've stepped into their shoes, and your children are in your shoes and you're waiting... waiting... for what?

If that all there is? School, Work, Marriage, Babies, Work, Raise children, Work, and now here I sit all alone. Husband goes to work. I'm sleeping. I get up I'm alone. Can't work do to disability, so I'm here alone trying to make ends meet, trying to get better, trying to keep the house clean, cook, do all the shopping, laundry, keep busy while I'm alone.

Husband comes home from work. A few words exchange and then silence, but every now and then "I love you". "Love you too". Silence. Every day. Day in and day out. Weekends too. He has his life. He has his friends. I have me. Silence. Every night I sit here alone. Every day I sit here alone. Children are grown and have their own lives now. Although I do like to be alone sometimes, but where's the excitement I use to have. Where's the fun I use to have? That something to look forward too? Where is that or do I just wait, and wait some more like everyone else. Waiting for heaven or hell or to crack the mystery.

I use to have a lot of friends, but they all live in the city now. I'm here by my river where I said I'd always be some day, but I'm alone. I thought I was going to be so happy here, but I don't think I am. Where's my friends? Where's my good times? Time to go back to work maybe, but who will have me? Try to do what's right, but it just doesn't pan out to the way I hoped it would. Now, my goal is to loose weight. I've done this before. My life and my weight are on the same roller coaster, but this time it's hard. Very hard! I know if I could just loose the weight I could get back to work. I'd feel better. I wouldn't be so sick all the time. I know I've always been a sickly person, but never anything serious. I'm my own worse enemy I guess.

Going to the Nutrition Clinic tomorrow, and we'll see if I broke that broken record. I sure hope I get passed that mark because if I did then I'm on my way. Woo Hoo. Good job me!!! I hope! I think a pat on the back might go here, but I'll wait until tomorrow. Until then...

Well, good night Dolly. Good night my friend. I'll be your friend. I'll be your very best friend and I'll never leave you. I'll always be there when you're alone. All of us will be. Just me, myself and I.

1 comments:

Night Owl Mama said...

MOM HUGS I love you. WIsh you were closer. Its hard with you living an hour away. Soon it will be easier my children will all be in school all day long and I can come hang out with you ME YOU and Mr. Magoo. YOU need a DOG a woofie a companion will keep you nice company til I get there. Love you ME

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